June 16, 2022

A Black Christian and a White Jew Walk Into a Podcast: Barry Queen

A Black Christian and a White Jew Walk Into a Podcast: Barry Queen

Hersh is a white Jew from Miami who's never been to Fiji. Barry is Black, and raised in the Christian faith, and just returned from those magnificent islands in the South Pacific. That's one take on the conversation between Hersh and his guest, Barry Queen Jr., a wealth advisor and, in a world rife with uncertainty, the guy you can count on. The two talk about the bond between client and advisor, and the kind established by Barry and his close friends Ari and Ali, whose podcast, "The Jew, The Muslim, and The Other Guy," (at 23:00 in our show) goes deep into race, religion, and more. 

Key Takeaways:

  • Trust is what's established when you ask the difficult questions, and the other person answers them honestly.
  • An open heart is infinite.
  • Comedy, at it's most useful, takes place in a safe space...so it's worth the effort to build one.


Content Warning: The first 20 minutes of this podcast contains brief mentions of mature subject matter such as suicide, abuse, and violence, so please consider before listening.


A native of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and resident of Pasadena, California, Barry has enjoyed serving the role of a Wealth Advisor to families and individuals across the country over the last 13 years. 

Barry knew the promises of entrepreneurship, but learned to appreciate the value of sound financial planning after his father lost his business. When his father lost his business, unfortunately, he lost himself.

Barry’s mission in life is that he would honor a proverb he recites to himself written by prominent Quaker missionary Etienne de Grellet du Mabillier, “I shall pass this way but once; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

Find Barry

Transcript

Barry Queen on Truth Tastes Funny with Hersh Rephun

[00:00:00] Hersh: The funny thing about a Jew, a Muslim, a Christian, and a wealth advisor walking into a bar is that the punchline doesn't matter. This is my conversation with Barry Queen.

[00:00:11] 

[00:00:45] Hersh: I'm here with wealth advisor, Barry Queen to go over my portfolio and advise me. But I do understand on a more exciting note that you were recently in Fiji. 

[00:00:57] Barry Queen: I was. 

[00:00:58] Hersh: I want to hear about that first. So tell me a little bit about that. 

[00:01:01] Barry Queen: Yeah. So I went to Fiji, I took my girlfriend for her birthday. What's so interesting is that when we got there, there was there all of the attendees at the resort we went to, we went to an, an island called Savusavu which is when you fly into Fiji, you go to an area called NAN de Fiji, which is where the main airport is. And it was about a 10 and a half hour flight from LA where I live. And then you get on a small little prop, plane, and a it's about a 15 seater to go to an island called SavuSavu. We stayed at a resort called Namali. It was a beautiful, but everyone there was on their 20th wedding anniversary or honeymoon or 25th wedding anniversary. And we were going around introducing ourselves and they said, Hey, what brings you here?

[00:01:45] And I say, well we're not on our wedding anniversary. This is my girlfriend. This is a birthday trip. So they said, you know, you must really love her. And I said, yeah, I do. So very, very beautiful experience. One of the most peaceful places I've ever been in my life, the Fijian culture reminds me kind of Samoan culture, a little bit, very family oriented warrior like kind of energy, but very peaceful and refined, so beautiful experience. 

[00:02:14] Hersh: That sounds great. Well, you know, they say one is gold, one is silver, one is, so now the 20th wedding anniversary is Fiji.

[00:02:21] I haven't been to Fiji, but I've been fortunate through work a lot to travel all over the place you know, to make four or five trips, to Asia and it's just so enlightening to me to travel to other cultures. When I was a kid growing up in Miami, you know, Miami was a multicultural city, but it was like its own creature. You know, we had the Cuban, there was the Cuban culture in Miami in it though. And because the way I look people will speak to me in Spanish. And I would, before I learned Spanish, I would say, You know, we are in United state let us, please speak English because that way my, that I am here now we are here eventually I learned Spanish 

[00:03:08] Barry Queen: beautiful, 

[00:03:09] Hersh: but, start with for our audience telling them what got you to, to pursue wealth advisory and the financial world as a career and how that is personalized and, and really extends itself to how your worldview is. 

[00:03:27] Barry Queen: Well to be quite honest with you, I, I pursued the area of finance because when I was in college, I needed a job.

[00:03:37] I was a sophomore going into my junior year and you know,. I was trying to figure out how to stay in school. And there was a call center that was about 10 minutes away from my university in Virginia. And it was a bank of America call center.

[00:03:51] And they had offered some opportunities for people to come in and work from three 30 to midnight dealing in the area of card services. So you're the people receiving phone calls, incoming calls from people who had credit cards and. I actually ended up just going for an interview and got the job. And I ended up being one of the number one salespeople in that role.

[00:04:14] Even though I was the youngest for about a year and a half and I worked that job while I was in school and undergrad. I had no understanding of financial literacy at all. I come from a family Where, you know, very blue collar, my mother, nor my father were college educated. My mother and my father got divorced when I was two years old.

[00:04:35] I grew up in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. And you know, there was just so much pain and suffering around me, and I felt like my upbringing was just me kind of being thrust into an environment where you just had no choice, but to survive. A lot of my desire to become a financial advisor. I drew that ambition from wanting to be to my parents what I don't believe they knew they desperately needed, which is an adviser. They needed someone to help them plan for all of these events that I experienced that I wasn't prepared for. And as a result experienced just a lot of hardship, you know and my mother and my father, they loved me and, you know, they did the best they could with what they had.

[00:05:21] But, you know, I grew up in a one bedroom, 400 square foot apartment. I didn't have my own room until I actually had my first apartment, which is the one that I paid for in college. My dad was a business owner. But really didn't know much about running a small business and lost that business. And as a result of losing that business turned to drugs and alcohol ism and, and there were some mental health issues that.

[00:05:43] You know, transitioned as well with that. And so there was some abuse and there was just a lot of things I could, I could go, I could go pretty deep with that. So for me, the reason why I became a financial advisor is I went, I was working for bank of America. And when I graduated from college, I was a business major and I always wanted to own my own business.

[00:06:07] But I also wanted to be that person that people could rely on that was there for them. And I had, I had always had an interest in psychology, even though I majored in business. And what I learned is that, you know, becoming a financial advisor, there's a technical side to it. But in many ways, you're a kind of a financial therapist where you have to figure out how to build trust with people.

[00:06:29] And you have to get people to share very personal things with you, and then you have to be able to help them solve their problems. And that's what I got addicted to. I got addicted to being a person that you could trust. I got addicted to learning how to diagnose issues. And more importantly, I got addicted to being someone that people could just rely on and know was always going to be there and that could provide advice and timely advice that could result in people being able to put their kids through school, being able to retire comfortably, being able to take a business and grow it. And that's kinda how I started on that journey was through my experience in college and undergrad.

[00:07:11] Hersh: Wow and you know, so much of what we learned to do or not to comes from the examples that are set by the people that are formative in our life. So if our parents are lacking certain qualities or certain knowledge base, it's so easy for us to just continue where they're leaving off unless you make the concerted effort that you made to really bring new, new strategies into the equation. My dad one of the good qualities was that he was not materialistic, but one of the other qualities was that he didn't plan, you know, financially, he didn't want to be swept up in it. He wanted to be there in the moment. He wasn't frivolous , but it just was wealth as a word, didn't really like factor into his thinking. You know, I think in, in a way that his parents, and his siblings had escaped germany during the Holocaust. I think there were honestly more important things to worry about, and the life that we had was, was sufficient to say, you know, this is a really good, we're really fortunate to, to be, to be here in this moment. You know, not going to worry about generational wealth or, or, or that kind of level of, of things, legacy, type things.

[00:08:31] You know, so what, so what is the first step , a young couple comes to you, a young couple they've. They they've just come back from a trip to Fiji and they're not even married yet. And they're there try to figure their lives out. Like, what is the, what is the first step? 

[00:08:53] Barry Queen: I think everything starts with communication. You will find that most people perform most people show you their representative. And when you're coming together and you're bringing your lives together in a marriage, you're learning about each other and you're learning about your needs, your wants your expectations. So that couple, I think the first kind of step is to have a very direct and open conversation about what their expectations are.

[00:09:23] You know, what their goals are individually first. Because, you know, I have an exercise that I have couples do where I have them talk about their earliest experience with money. Cause I, I think it's important to, to know what shapes, how someone experiences money. You know, like for me, my earliest memory of money is very negative.

[00:09:48] So I tend to experience money from a very emotional perspective where I can often be a little anxious, you know, and if someone were to marry me, they need to know that security is extremely important to me because I didn't have. Right. And so this is just an example where I think oftentimes when you think about planning and you think about money, you think about it in a very technical way.

[00:10:16] But I would say that if, if it were that simple, right. If everything was influenced by how we think, technically, you know, everyone would drink six to eight glasses of water every day and work out and et cetera, like we don't we're human beings. Right. So with that couple, I would start off just having them engage in some different exercises to understand what their goals are, what their expectations are. And then more importantly, trying to figure out a way to help them work together in reaching those goals individually and collectively. That's kind of where we would start. 

[00:10:51] Hersh: I think that like anything starting is probably the trickiest part, you know when I got married, I, you know who, my first wife, we were 21 or 22 years old and got married young.

[00:11:08] You think that you're going to grow together and that, you know, you'll make these decisions together and the intentions are good, but you get into something already as part of a, of a couple. That's very challenging because you don't have a chance to make mistakes, to try things in business, or do you know everything is like high stakes right away.

[00:11:33] Do you think it's better to to be ambitious right away and to maybe make mistakes up front? Or is it better? You know, is teamwork better just from your observations?

[00:11:46] Barry Queen: I mean I'm not married, I've never been married. I've I've definitely been in a long-term relationships. I've raised, I've helped raise children in one of those relationships. So I played the role of a parent. So I think I have some insight. But, but I've also had probably seven or 8,000 meetings in my career. And more than half of them have been with married couples who trust me and rely on me for very critical decisions. So because of those experiences, what I would say is this in my, in my observations, The couples that are have the most access are those who give the other party permission to be themselves and actually support them in whatever field of endeavor that they choose to work in.

[00:12:33] However, with that said, There is a shared mission, a shared goal, a shared objective, where I like, for example, I had a meeting with a client the other day where, you know, the husband is well, the fiance cause they're, they're engaged. It has a really strong desire to take over a family real estate business.

[00:12:54] The way that business is structured. It's, it's a lot of their own money that's tied up in that business. And so he was kind of sharing that. One of his concerns was potentially taking over that business and the impact that would have on his family, his new family. And I asked the fiance, I said, you know, have you ever thought about what it would, how you would feel now that you're bringing your lives together of being married to someone who has so much of their life, and now it would be your life and your finances potentially tied up in a family business. Where there's not a lot of liquidity at times. And that was a real conversation because they had never really had that conversation. And it was just an observation for me of, Hey, you've got this family business, you're, you know, this has been going on for, for some time now. And how do you feel about this? What's the next stage? And so, you know, during, through that exercise, you know, they were able to have an honest conversation where he said, you know, this is what I want, but I really want to make sure that you're comfortable and you're happy. And then she was able to vocalize what she wanted. And it's really the matter of kind of figuring out how to meet in the middle. And I think you'll have some level of animosity towards your significant other if you're not honest and open with them about what you want and what, what things you want to pursue, because, you know, regardless of you being married and all of that, you don't want to lose your.

[00:14:17] You don't want to lose your identity of who you are and what you were put on this earth to do what you were called to do. And so I always encourage couples to definitely prioritize the relationship and prioritize the, the, you know, the goals that the, that they have as a couple. But I also encourage them based on my experiences and talking to divorced couples.

[00:14:39] Things of that nature to make sure you advocate for yourself and you don't forget about what you want and what your goals are and make it clear and just have honest conversations. 

[00:14:50] Hersh: So in a way, you're you, you, you play a role, that's almost a relationship therapist, a marriage therapist. 

[00:14:56] Barry Queen: I am a relationship therapist. I am a spiritual advisor. I am a financial - like it's funny. When I meet people, they always ask me. You know, what are you doing? I say, you know, I'm a wealth advisor. And the first thing that they they think about is, oh, you manage money for people. And I, and I always laugh in the beginning when I was younger, I've been doing this for, for almost 14 years.

[00:15:18] So when I first started doing. I wasn't as comfortable with myself as I am now. And I hadn't faced as much rejection as I have faced. So, you know, you get a little tougher when you, when you've overcome some things. So now when people say that, you know, I truly realize I manage people's lives, not their money, you know, I, I get the phone call.

[00:15:39] I get - the type of phone calls that I've received, you would be so surprised the time of day and also my average client is two or two to three times older than me, you know? So I've, I have been that person to people who could be my grandparents. I'm 35. I'll be 36 in October. And I got started straight out of undergrad, actually straight out of undergrad and went straight into working for a larger firm and just kind of went back to school and got all my licenses while working.

[00:16:10] So when I was 22 years old, I'm sitting down with 50, 60 year olds who are talking to me about their wealth and things that I have never even known about. You know, I didn't know what a stock, a bond, a mutual fund or any of that stuff was. But I learned while I was working, you know, and I'm, I'm not the smartest person in the world, but when I tell you I'm going to do something, I do it.

[00:16:34] So that's done me well. That served me very well. 

[00:16:39] Hersh: Well, you're modest. But you're making a good point, which is that perspective is everything a 50 or 60 year old person who's built businesses and accumulated wealth, can't necessarily decide on their own what's best for their family.

[00:16:57] There are people who don't need advice. Warren buffet had a great quote, which was that when he gets up in the morning, he looks in the mirror and at that point, all the relevant opinions have been considered,, if you're Warren Buffett, that's probably working, but I think most of us can benefit from the perspective of, of other people. Gaining expertise and having wisdom at a young age some of it being hard, won, is extremely valuable. 

[00:17:24] So Barry, you shared a quote from Etienne de Grellet du Mabillier Did I get that right? Is that pretty right? I shall pass this way, but once any good that I can do or any kindness, I can show any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it for, I shall not pass this way again.

[00:17:43] Why does that resonate so much?

[00:17:45] Barry Queen: I used to suffer from panic attacks. I suffered from panic attacks for over 10 years. I started I had my first panic attack when I was 19 years old. As I was going to die I had to be rushed to the hospital. It was pretty bad. And for over a decade I had several moments where I thought I was going to lose my life.

[00:18:04] And growing up, I've skipped over a lot of my childhood, but I've had some very, very, very dark experiences with Death people passing away around me being in certain circumstances where my life is in danger, that's actually why I had the panic attacks because I never actually really processed my emotions.

[00:18:23] You know, you kind of go numb when you are subjected to a certain amount of trauma to survive, right? So there was a triggering event that happened when I was 19 years old, I lost my best friend to suicide. One of my closest friends, I was the last person he ever spoke to and stayed up all night with him. And he ended up committing suicide the next day. So I had this triggering event and, and that kind of tipped me over with the panic attacks and I that quote I shall pass this way but once. When you, when you're confronted with death as many times as if I've been confronted with death, you learn to appreciate life.

[00:18:57] Right? And so, you know, I almost lost my father, when I was young many times in one particular time, literally I had to stop somebody from trying to take his life. And I was 12 years old, you know, so. You, when you're confronted with the possibility that you could leave this earth, you know, you, you, you really understand the value of life.

[00:19:20] Hopefully, and for me, I was traumatized by a lot of experiences that I had, and I learned to get freedom from that when I decided to just honor the breath that I have in my body and learn to appreciate just every single little moment that I had in my life and to get joy out of just very basic things.

[00:19:47] Right. And when you see people leave this earth, you recognize that you're right. I shall pass this way, but once. So if there's anything that I can do or any act of kindness, I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Right. Let me not defer nor neglect, for I shall not pass this way again? The tomorrow is not promised, right?

[00:20:08] So I live by that proverb because I understand it. I understand it fundamentally. And it saved me in many ways. It helped me find safe passage. You know, when you're, when you're in a circumstance that you feel like you can't get out of, the only thing you can do is just focus on what you can control him.

[00:20:27] For me, that was just my, my outlook, right. My perspective. So I I've learned to completely transform my environment by first changing the way that I saw my environment. And you would never know the things that I've been through or the things that I've seen. If you met me today, you would have no idea because I don't carry it with me.

[00:20:50] You know, I don't talk about it in a way in which you would know, but I'm being transparent with you today, you know? And, and, and so I'm sharing, but, you know, I, I would say that quote has significant meaning to me because of what I've just described. 

[00:21:05] Hersh: I really appreciate your sharing this because the, the value of it is, is immeasurable.

[00:21:12] Part of my role here is to find out about my guest and maybe find out some things that people wouldn't know or didn't know. And it's always enlightening. And also feels like a gift that the guest is giving because the truth tastes funny podcast has to dig a little bit into what tastes funny or tastes a little weird or isn't what you'd prefer.

[00:21:37] You know, it, isn't what we would prefer to talk about. From what I, from what I observed, one of the reasons that it isn't visible on you is because you've spent so much time now, I think processing some of these things and turning them into something else so that it isn't that, you know, if, if someone actually hasn't processed trauma or has it dealt with some of the things that they've been through the fallout is much more visible because it's fighting to get out. It's like clawing its way out of your being. Whereas, you know, you're, you've made a really conscious effort to develop in a certain direction and with a certain goal and goals in mind. And I think that that to then come back and do a show where you're sharing some of that and and just being open and, and hopefully relaxed and comfortable is really, is really what it's all about. I've always been interested in people that I've always loved other people. And I think that when we met, I felt right away.

[00:22:47] Oh, Barry's got some. Really beautiful. That he's, that he's putting out there. When we talked about the podcast, you also mentioned you know the Jew, the Muslim and the other guy your podcast. Tell, just tell us about the podcast.

[00:23:02] Barry Queen: Yeah. So, so two of my friends Ari, the Jew, and Ali the Muslim 

[00:23:09] Hersh: Ari the Jew, is that, is that his name that he goes by professionally? 

[00:23:14] Barry Queen: His name is Aaron Turk, but he goes by Ari, but on the show, he's Ari The Jew. And Ali, Aga who's Ali, the Muslim he's from Syria.

[00:23:23] They both live in Brooklyn, you know but these are guys that I worked in the financial services industry with that we became great friends working at, at a prior company. And you know, individually, we were friends. We didn't know of each other. So I was friends with Ari first Ari knew Ali Ari and I would just have so much. So many conversations, two, three hours, four hour conversations to give you a little background. Ari is a Jewish guy that grew up in Brooklyn. He went to rabbinical school college his father's a rabbi never really was exposed to anyone outside his culture you know, just, just really was grew up in a very closed-in environment. I'm Barry, I grew up in the inner city of Philadelphia. Definitely predominantly raised around African-Americans not really exposed to anything other than that. Right. So we come from two different worlds and we just developed a very unique friendship and we would talk about these things that a black guy who grew up in Philly and a Jewish guy. I don't talk about, you know? And I'm a Christian, you know, identify as a Christian. So we would have these spiritual conversations. And eventually he says, you know I've got a friend. I want you to meet him, Ali who's Muslim. His parents are from Syria. He grew up in Brooklyn. And then we started talking about having these conversations, but now we're integrating a point of view that it comes from someone who's Muslim and. We decided he's, you know, we want to have private conversations in public and we want to bring these three worlds together, really for, I would argue where we talk about things that, you know, often are not discussed publicly.

[00:25:05] And so that was the, kind of the, the, how the brain trust of how we brought together this, this podcast. 

[00:25:11] Hersh: Yeah. It's. It, it is one of the, you know, I'm wearing my KOSHER shirt today. Actually there I was I was downtown in Iowa city where I divide my time between LA and Iowa. And I was in a frozen yogurt shop that I go to.

[00:25:27] And the woman behind the counter said, oh, you have it in, in Arabic. You know, the owner and I are a Syrian and a. And we love to, we love the shirt, you know, and it was a conversation starter. It was like an icebreaker just to have a conversation that was about where we're from, you know, you could go in and get your fro-yo, but it started like a conversation. But these conversations don't often just happen on their own, you know, you need to create that forum.

[00:25:57] That's why it's so great that you guys have the, have the show because it's, once you start the ball rolling, it's like the conversations can flow, I think what are some of the things that you guys are talking about? I love that private conversations in public, by the way that. 

[00:26:17] Barry Queen: Yeah, we man, we, we, we, we go deep. Right? So the last conversation we just had was about our perspectives as Christians as a Christian Jew, a Muslim on alcohol, right. And the role that plays in culture and, and what our books say about that, what our belief systems are around that and, and drugs. Cannabis. Right. We talked about that. We've talked about marriage, right? Like how do we go about that process? How, how do I view marriage dating? We've talked about mental health. Right. Like, you know, the different challenges, you know, like I'm a Christian and sometimes, you know, one of the things that's often brought up is that, you know, you should just pray, you know, and, the taboo nature of, of saying, you know, like literally, like I'm, I'm having anxiety and I have depression.

[00:27:08] Even though I go to temple and, and, and, and I go to church and et cetera, but I still am depressed. You know, like we talk about these things, you know, because I think sometimes we, create this really unrealistic kind of expectation of how people should operate based on certain titles we give them or belief systems that they have in. And that's at the demise of, of us being able to be honest with each other and open, we just recently had an episode to talk about social media, you know, like what we think about that and the role that plays in society. And again, we're speaking from different perspectives, you know? So we get into the weeds. 

[00:27:46] Hersh: Have you talked about the dynamic among the backgrounds that you come from? The black and Jewish and Muslim, because the, the, the blacks and the Jews in America have this history that there's so much to learn from. And there's, and yet we're living in a time. That's so polarized, just polarized just in general. It doesn't really matter if you're two white guys or two black guys, you're probably pretty polarized potentially in terms of your views, right. Everything's like right down the middle, split it up, push it apart. You know, 

[00:28:24] Barry Queen: I'll give you an example, a little snippet. So this is, this is how raw we are. And it's only because we have such a great friendship.

[00:28:32] So there's an episode where, where Ari who's, who's the Jew Ari the Jew. Who's around my age. He tells the story of how, you know, growing up in Brooklyn. You know, if he was walking down the street and he saw a couple of black guys walking towards him, you know, with there, with their pants sagging below their tuchus, you know, that's what he says.

[00:28:52] He says, I'm crossing the street. And he started pretty much talking about, you know, like, you know, these guys, you know, they, they look like, you know, gang members or gangsters. And so we, we it's, it gets really intense because I'm like, why do you say that? And he's describing them. And I said, you know, Ari, well, around that time, I probably would have had on the same clothes, but what's so interesting is that I was going to a Christian school and at night I was singing in a choir and helping save people.

[00:29:19] Right. Literally bringing people to Christ. Right. So I was like, you know, what's interesting is that you drew a conclusion based on how they were dressed. But to be quite honest with you, I understand why. And the second thing I said is if four black guys were walking up towards me at nighttime, I'm crossing the street too.

[00:29:37] So it was funny because it was like an ex, like you just can't have that kind of conversation with just anybody. It has to be somebody that you have a relationship with that understands you and you can be honest. So it was a great, it was a great moment because. I think what it would, it would, it would, what it does for any listener is it helps you see as a black guy, like I'm not comfortable either in that certain scenario, because they would probably try to Rob me, you know, if three or four guys are walking towards you and second, be very careful of who you profile.

[00:30:09] I just told you about my experiences growing up. I have a suit on, I don't know if people would be able to see me, you know, I'm pretty well-groomed, but I've had scenarios where I didn't have my suit. And I just had, you know, some sweatpants on and a t-shirt I've been profiled, you know, and you hear me are you hear me communicate and articulate myself.

[00:30:31] But, but it's very easy to draw a conclusion, just as much as Ari, the Jew. Right. I didn't grow up around Jews and know the ones that I were exposed to are more from the Hasidic community. Right. So there was a more of a like me not really, truly, definitely not understanding because it's more of an inclusive community.

[00:30:51] And so I could easily draw the conclusion and did draw the conclusion. Someone like Ari wouldn't receive me that wouldn't be open to me because I've had many experiences where someone from his community was not and Ari is a perfect example to a black person who didn't grow up in that environment that you would really, really miss out on the opportunity to develop very deep and meaningful friendships with someone who doesn't look like you and didn't come from your community because you may draw the conclusion that they are not going to be receptive to you.

[00:31:22] Right. On both sides of the equation. We, I think we shine light on that, you know, through that just one little talk. Yeah. 

[00:31:30] Hersh: And for me, the thing that I carry around is the awareness of preconception. Like Ari was saying, you know, you're walking down the street and you make prejudgments about people that are coming towards you, which are either accurate or not.

[00:31:47] They could, it could be anything. But there's, there's a kind of a quiet prejudice that happens in your head. And then there's the preconception that the person coming toward you has about you possibly that they're, that they're probably also, you know, struggling with, like, you could put me in a bunch of boxes.

[00:32:07] I could be anything I could be Latino or I could be white or I could be, or I could be Jewish or I could be not. And it's funny because of the way I joked about being from Miami and having the Cuban accent, you know, I do speak some, some Spanish, but I'm not fluent, but one of my best friends is Guatemalan.

[00:32:27] And whenever we would go to lunch, people would speak to both of us with in Spanish, you know, if we're in LA and as soon as I couldn't answer them in Spanish, their demeanor changed and it wasn't necessarily bad, but it was like a little bit of a bond was broken. Like I felt like, ah, shit, man.

[00:32:44] If I, if I was just, if I had just had the confidence to respond with the few words, whatever the words I know in Spanish and let him do the rest and not ruin this illusion, that we're all the same. That we're all Spanish-speaking. That would have been so nice and in a way I like, you know, so my goal is always to get to the place where we're, we're, we're actually bonded somehow where we find something and get over that, that prejudgment.

[00:33:14] And also not all prejudgment is, is wrong and inaccurate, you know, a black person's experience in America, looking at a white person's experience in America, there is a disparity. So to pretend that that doesn't exist, doesn't serve either of us. Right. So how were some of those things played out that are not about who you and Ari and Ali are individually, but what your histories are and what your experiences both in America and in the, in the world, around the world and the middle east.

[00:33:48] How have you dealt with some of those things? 

[00:33:52] Barry Queen: Yeah. So the first thing is that we've really tried our best to just hear each other. And you know, oftentimes you think, you know someone's perspective, but you really don't. Because you've not given them enough time to really unwind it and share and provide some context.

[00:34:13] We live in a society where, we have such a short attention span, so things are, are kind of thrust upon us. And it's kind of the shock and awe factor, right? So you oftentimes, you don't get the full story, you get a piece of it. And, and so this platform has created an opportunity for, for us to all speak about these different subject matters and to really speak in depth about them from our perspectives. I've always had an insatiable kind of appetite for learning. I I'm very intrigued by people. I think my thirst kind of started when I was young, trying to understand my dad, trying to understand my mom and it just kind of compounded from there, but I just, I would say we've really tried our best to be honest. And some of the conversations we've had are very, very difficult to have. And at times you feel, you literally feel the tension rising. Yeah. Within yourself because I really truly believe a large part of life is unlearning. Just as much as it is learning, you know, it's unlearning it's, it's, it's, it's being more open it's, it's challenging what you thought you knew, you know?

[00:35:25] One of the things I always say to a new client when we start working together is I say to them, I say, you know, I really, really think this weekend, this can be a great working relationship, but I need you to make me a promise, because if you can't do this, it's probably not going to work.

[00:35:43] And they say, what Barry? And I say, can you separate what you like from what's best for. Right. That's the first question that I ask. And then the second thing I say is that if you can, I also need you to consider letting go of what you had in mind. Right? So what I think oftentimes we do is we create these stories and then we tell ourselves that this is what the truth is.

[00:36:13] Instead of saying that we're going to be. And continue to take in more information in the truth, kind of comes to the surface as we take in more. And when I was growing up, I truly truly taught myself that I was a victim. And in certain respects I was because I was born into a circumstance that I didn't, that wasn't quite fair in many ways.

[00:36:38] And I, but then I bought into other new. And that fueled a lot of the animosity that I developed and a lot of the anger and the resentment that I developed and how I healed from that is that I recognize that. There, there are many victims in this world there, you know, there is no person in this world that I believe has a perfect life.

[00:36:59] And when you really dig into different cultures and you do your research on the experiences, you talked about your, your parents coming from Germany, you know, like I have such a deep amount of empathy and appreciation for the Jewish culture and the story, you know? And, and so I take a lot of pride in knowing.

[00:37:26] People from that community and, and appreciating their culture, you know, I've observed Shabbos with Ari and like, there's a lot of things that I just take a lot of pride in and I really value because of just my experiences and this platform just creates an opportunity for people to hear about these things, because I don't think a lot of people even know, you know, from my community what Shabbos is, right like you don't even know what that is. Right. But it's beautiful, you know, and it really, really is something that you can learn from me, men, if you don't necessarily believe in it. But if you just learn about some of the practices and the reasons why, you know, other communities do what they do, you can just learn a whole lot and possibly impart it to your family and in your community.

[00:38:09] Hersh: Yeah. That's a fun part. Yeah. Sharing something. And also bringing something back, bringing something back home to your family that you learned, or that my kids learned in school. Now thankfully in public school, kids are getting so much more of a multicultural education and they're you know, they're, they're able to share things more readily and they're able to take things home more readily, and that give and take is, you know, I went to a Yeshiva day school when I was a kid. And there were wonderful things about it, but it was a very myopic point of view. And I feel like, wow, I, I kind of missed out. I was sheltered. I was protected from certain things, but that only goes so far, you know 

[00:38:52] Barry Queen: We have an episode Ari in the hot seat where he talks extensively about that, you know, and it was so interesting to hear it come from his perspective, growing up in that community and, and, and the things that he was grateful for, but the things that he felt like, kind of maybe, like you said, sheltered him and he didn't get a chance to really experience and see things from a certain angle and all of that. And that was one of the most interesting episodes that I think I've, we've had, we're just hearing someone like yourself, talk about your experience, you know? Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:39:27] Hersh: It's all interesting. I will say one thing about Shabbos, having observed the Sabbath you know, from the time I was a little kid and I'm less observant now in the strict. But I will say if you're going to, this is just goes out to my whole audience. If you're going to observe Shabbos, I advise doing it in the winter when it ends you know, five o'clock in the afternoon, it's over, you know, you get into June, July, August starts to be 7, 8, 9 o'clock before Shabbos is over.

[00:39:55] When I was in sun goes down, I was in London once observing Shabbos with a friend of mine from Yeshiva that I went to in Israel. And we stopped in London on the way home and Shabbos didn't end till about 10 55. And the pub is closed at 11 and it's like, wow. It's like no way to go. I'm not going to be a Jew in London. I'll tell you that. Go, go, go to New York, go to LA. He be over, over and done at 9:00 PM. You've got two hours at the pub, but. But I have a you guys take on some big questions and some big stuff. So this, this is going to be one that you're going to have to field. So answer me this.

[00:40:38] A Jew, a Muslim, a Christian, and a wealth advisor, walk into a bar who picks up the tab?

[00:40:47] Barry Queen: Who picks up the tab. Well, the Jew doesn't pick up the tab. So this is a, this is a joke. So this is a, this is a joke that I can have with Ari. Right. So, so, so who picks up the tab? We split the bill evenly. 

[00:41:01] Hersh: I hadn't thought of that. See, I kept thinking, well, what's, what's Barry going to say is. Is he going to be gracious and say, I'm just going to, well, the wealth advisor picks up the tab, but that may not be accurate. Right. 

[00:41:13] Barry Queen: The wealth advisor will posture more than likely and pull out his car and grow and go to grab it. Right. But then. But then what I think would happen is that the Christian would say, oh no, no, no, no, no, you can't do that. Right. Right. And, and simultaneously the Jew would, and Ali would get this joke. The Muslim would just look, observe, and then make a decision based on what he observed. So he would not make a decision outright. Ali the Muslim would not make one outright this is more talking about him than, yeah. Yeah. Muslims. 

[00:41:47] Hersh: It does come down to the individual because, but I, but I do think that that scenario as much as I just throw it out there as a kind of a joke, but it's, it's, we do pick up on these gestures and these things.

[00:42:02] You know, you guys are, have this closeness and this comfort in this safe space where you can talk about literally anything it seems, and try to make headway and have that private conversation in post. You try to form the same bond with your clients, with the individuals and couples that you speak with that they feel safe and they feel comfortable as long as they're willing to let go of their, of what they want or differentiate between what they, what they want and what they know. And all of that comes down to building the relationship. So if we start with. I'm not going to try to change the world. I'm not gonna try to fix the world. I just want to get close to somebody who's different from me and have them trust me. That's the goal. Maybe we can get to places where we're comfortable enough to have these conversations more readily.

[00:43:03] Barry Queen: We have so much in common. Yeah, it's incredible how much we have in common as people we all love, we all fear something, you know regardless if you believe in Allah or you believe in, in Buddha or whomever, you, you, you're honoring something that you believe in and you, and it's guiding how you live your life.

[00:43:25] Right? So it doesn't even matter about your religious beliefs, right. We all believe in something. And I know that what really inspires me is that I've had so many people who don't look like me and don't come from the life that I grew up in have played such a significant role in my that I feel obligated to make it very clear to the world that there are so many great and beautiful people from all different walks of life. Right. And I'm all about looking out for your people, right? I'm all about supporting your communities, but I think you do a significant disservice to the world to just stay in that. You know I really do. Because there's so much more that the world, I think, needs from a person who's, well-versed who's been exposed to different points of view, you know? And that's just my calling, I think, at this time is to be that person. 

[00:44:22] Hersh: Yeah. And it's clearly working for you. In your manner and the way you interact with people, it's such a pleasure to have you on the show. 

[00:44:30] Barry Queen: Thank you.. 

[00:44:32] Hersh: And I look forward to checking out episodes of your podcast it's the Jew, The Muslim, and The Other Guy it's definitely needed and it's definitely timely. And the more of this good stuff that we pour out into the world, the more will splash back on us and. Barry Queen. I hope to join you in Fiji on your 20th wedding anniversary. I don't want to rush you, but but let's get a move on and

[00:45:01] Barry Queen: Sounds good. Excellent. 

[00:45:02] Hersh: And we'll talk soon. Thanks so much for being on. 

[00:45:05] Barry Queen: Thank you.

[00:45:05]